How it Begins…

So this is how it starts, my year. Two days of Italian food, French wine and a swift shopping trip to spend the money I don’t have after Christmas. It’s the same every year. Over-indulgence in December, sobering up in January. Only this year I have a hard time cutting back on my spending although I know I’ll make less. But that’s compensation for you, psychology 101: the weather is cold outside and I’ve rarely seen the sun. At least I have my writing, triggered by my muse. I’m surprised she’s still with me though, I rarely sleep these days. I’m glad she isn’t as moody as I tend to be this winter. Hibernating is what I should do or finally book that flight to LA. It’s a lot less chilly there and I miss the place, miss the friends I barely see. But then that requires the kind of money I should safe. Besides, I’ve rarely seen my friends here. So maybe a month off will do me good. Being at home, reading, catching up on shows I’ve missed in recent years. I must admit, I’d prefer doing that in SoCal, where the sun is likely to shine more often than where I am. Where I know I’d go for a walk every day, where I do not bump into police officers frisking people in the metro, patrolling the streets that used to feel safe only a short few years ago. That’s why I’m so feisty, I guess, today. The spectacle of three dark-haired youngsters, surrounded by officers whose hands were glued to their firearms, ready to protect themselves at any minute, it left me strangely affected on the boys’ behalf and ours. My heart was torn as my train left the station, my mind helpless. But it was then that I realized, I’m not yet completely jaded.



You are so fresh
so new, unused
and yet you crippled me
when you made your entrance, were introduced

An unwritten story
you are supposed to be
more like a chapter or a song
not yet composed by you or me

I broke free from chains of self last year
new ones already lurking, always there
reminding me of who I do not want to be
a girl, a misfit or a fantasy

Freedom is what I need most
company, good wine and food
and your innocence to last
until my lessons learned have reached my heart

I am ready now to seek the road
the path I’ve always longed to walk
a route so dark sometimes and lonely
filled with doubt, uncertainty and phonies

I am prepared now for the fear, the grief
and yet I know I’ll never be
I’ll always struggle with myself
my independence and mental wealth

Ghosts of 16 I bid you farewell
asking my muse to finally stay
I need the love her anger stirs
the confidence her words provoke

I need your goodness, too, your light
a sign of hope in unsettled times