It might sound strange but I long to hate you in a way
coz disliking you would make things easier for me
easier to let go of all those memories that pull me down
easier to accept the times you inspired me are over, gone
but love has never been easy for me
though loving you filled me with glee
now all I see are tears and scars
what once my heart let grow you tore apart
by choosing who you are, a myth
a broken dream, bad luck not bliss
absorbed by fakery and glory
a wandering soul, uncertain still – what is your story?
I still don’t know but time will tell
why you so proudly chose this hell
of blocking those who care for you
who do not play you for a fool
whose demons match your own, your fears
who craved to hold you till your sky had cleared
of darkness, clouds and raging storms
unscared to fight with you that swarm
of indecisiveness, rejection, gloom
your happiness my weakness then, my doom
My emotions are in limbo as of late. So many things to do and yet I cannot find the strength to tackle the decisions I so desperately need to make. I am not stuck, nor lost in that sense most people would expect. My heart’s just frozen, my mind too numb to get out of bed. Though physically I do, but mentally I lack the vim I always used to have. It disappeared last year somehow, evaporated nearly towards the end. It will be back, of that I’m sure but until then I’m struggling with the remnants of my hope. It is still there, deeply nestled in my soul, interwoven though with doubts and fears. One no too many, fake smiles and loss – 2017 has left me scarred, mistrusting now, my courage tossed. It’s changed me for the better and the worse. The time is overripe to call that chapter closed.
I long to feel your breath brushing against my neck as I hold you in your sleep. Your scent tickling my soul to stay awake, my heart long lost to you, your rhythm, your beat. Unable to breathe I lie here in the dark, my eyes closed to the soft touch of your breasts pressed against my own, my chest heavy because I know you are not really here. You never were. And yet, your smile’s imprinted on my mind like an old photograph preserving your beauty in black and white. Your voice follows me like a long lost tune reviving memories of a life that wasn’t meant to be. The loss of it killing me bit by bit because I’m unable to let go. You, the reminder of the life I once envisioned as a dream, a reminder of everything that once let me breathe.
The hardest lesson of them all is to understand that most people do not wish to to help you when just a phone call would be sufficient to lift your chances. Phrases of support voiced without intent are nothing but an empty promise, leaving you dangling in the air of false hope and ultimate despair. Do not walk into that trap and let it cage your dreams. Stand tall no matter what. Leave the fake cheerleaders behind with a smile, wish them well but move on to find a better life – one that suits you and no one else. And when you make it, do not forget to reach out and offer that helping hand no one was willing to give you. It’s not a handout helping other people find their success, it’s not a weakness either. It is a gesture of humility to aid those who have the talents you miss and often wish you had but don’t have the means to live them out or nourish them. Be kind where you felt in your past kindness lacked, then give your heart a chance to heal. You are never too old to start anew, don’t allow the world to tell you that. Don’t ever feel too broken either, too crushed by rejection or failure to contribute what you have learned. Someone will appreciate your journey even if you feel you can’t because trust me, someone out there feels as lonely as you often do and needs your strength. After all, a soul with scars – more than anything – is beautiful and full of depth.
I miss my inner light today but it is okay.
I am embracing my darkness just the same.
It is a part of me as well
and I have learned that without the bleak,
my heart has trouble finding the brightness that I seek.
Snow on Sunday night, mud on Monday morning
Long lines everywhere, people are growling
No trains in sight, everything delayed
Two flakes of snow and my city’s half-crazed
Central Station’s busy, I order a Chai
The guy at the counter unfriendly, I sigh
My Evil Queen outfit the smoke screen I need
Paired with her posture, I feel more upbeat
Until on the boardwalk I see a dead mouse
Its corpse fully smashed, in slush fully dowsed
The sight of it breaks me, my eyes water fast
My issues on hold now, this image will last
Sometimes loving yourself requires all the strength you have left, but it is always worth it because no one else can ever fill that void you’ve created through harsh criticism and self-hatred. As long as you fear being yourself and hide your scars, you will never allow your heart to dance and take the chance of living rather than existing in the shadows of your dreams and the left-over glory of everyone you put above yourself.
You made me happy for a while although you were never really mine
but the dream of us kept me alive in a phase of turmoil and transition
and now my memory of you’s not tainted anymore
my heart a little stronger because I fell for you and so much more
that spark once felt my life has changed in so many unexpected ways
and I am grateful for that gift of knowing what it means to fully wish
to love and feel it run so deep it swept me truly off my feet
and catapulted me onto ass until I learned to walk again with newfound sass
willing to embrace my life and take a chance to love myself now for a change