Torn

It might sound strange but I long to hate you in a way
coz disliking you would make things easier for me
easier to let go of all those memories that pull me down
easier to accept the times you inspired me are over, gone
but love has never been easy for me
though loving you filled me with glee
now all I see are tears and scars
what once my heart let grow you tore apart
by choosing who you are, a myth
a broken dream, bad luck not bliss
absorbed by fakery and glory
a wandering soul, uncertain still – what is your story?
I still don’t know but time will tell
why you so proudly chose this hell
of blocking those who care for you
who do not play you for a fool
whose demons match your own, your fears
who craved to hold you till your sky had cleared
of darkness, clouds and raging storms
unscared to fight with you that swarm
of indecisiveness, rejection, gloom
your happiness my weakness then, my doom

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Memories of Me

I long to feel your breath brushing against my neck as I hold you in your sleep. Your scent tickling my soul to stay awake, my heart long lost to you, your rhythm, your beat. Unable to breathe I lie here in the dark, my eyes closed to the soft touch of your breasts pressed against my own, my chest heavy because I know you are not really here. You never were. And yet, your smile’s imprinted on my mind like an old photograph preserving your beauty in black and white. Your voice follows me like a long lost tune reviving memories of a life that wasn’t meant to be. The loss of it killing me bit by bit because I’m unable to let go. You, the reminder of the life I once envisioned as a dream, a reminder of everything that once let me breathe.

Taking a Breath

Sometimes loving yourself requires all the strength you have left, but it is always worth it because no one else can ever fill that void you’ve created through harsh criticism and self-hatred. As long as you fear being yourself and hide your scars, you will never allow your heart to dance and take the chance of living rather than existing in the shadows of your dreams and the left-over glory of everyone you put above yourself.

A New Beginning

You made me happy for a while although you were never really mine
but the dream of us kept me alive in a phase of turmoil and transition
and now my memory of you’s not tainted anymore
my heart a little stronger because I fell for you and so much more
that spark once felt my life has changed in so many unexpected ways
and I am grateful for that gift of knowing what it means to fully wish
to love and feel it run so deep it swept me truly off my feet
and catapulted me onto ass until I learned to walk again with newfound sass
willing to embrace my life and take a chance to love myself now for a change

French Vanilla

Your kiss tasted like waffles in my dreams today
Sugar-laced
Macchiato foam still on your lips
A touch of cinnamon caught in those grooves
carved in by laughter, mischief and sensation
your mouth adorned
your tongue French touched
inviting me to savour you
and sate my hunger
for your love

Phansanity

and there it is again, that craving
for a stage, a mask, a line
after all those years not fading
just numbed perhaps for a little while
when the dreamer’s lost her courage
her heart broken one too many times
and the beast of sanity felt nourished
by faking hunger for a normal life

Night Fall

I have weird dreams these days
dark sometimes, unsettling
but you are always there to soothe
not that I’d often see your face
it is your presence that I sense
until I put you in my sheets
my mind done playing tricks
telling me exactly what I crave
your skin on mine, your mouth
then your embrace
lips spoiling you
your neck, your curves
my favorite treat
no payback needed
desired, yes
your bliss priority, however
your smile, a kiss
so deep it tingles in my gut
and leaves me panting
from wanting you so much

Untitled

Hope is a glass half full wishing for a refill while being trapped in an entity that’s easily broken, its shattered remnants piercing your heart with fragments of dreams long crushed, scarring your soul if you don’t find the essence of your one true love.

Un/loved

I’ve reached that point of not grasping your do, all I see is friction between me and you. Our differences an ocean setting us apart, your smiles a lie, your decisions rash to me, unsmart. And yet I love you, against my will, close my eyes, long to kiss you and nuzzle your hills – want to drown in your laugh, calm my anger, your fears, dream of hearing my name whispered quietly fierce.