Missing Pieces

And just as I understood that I have never known who you really are
that loving you has made no sense
that I fell for an image of who I wanted you to be
an idea rather than a person
a simple sentence made me crumble
reminding me that my heart has had its say in this and not my mind
and that it misses you

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Monday

Missing you has lifted my spirits in a strange way today. I don’t know how, nor why but feeling my gut knotting up over longing for your voice, the sight of you, your touch, has helped me breathe through turmoil and frustration. My aching heart too preoccupied to care about things that do not matter, about developments that normally would blow my mind. But you keep me calm, my love, in the eye of any storm. Not having you a whirlwind of emotions that outdoes any other I have faced before. No pain left, just sweetened sorrow and the gratitude for knowing love, not just desire. Love, not plain but simple. Each thought of you a happy one, putting the puzzle of my self together, improving me. No fear left, no doubts there, none.

Phansanity

and there it is again, that craving
for a stage, a mask, a line
after all those years not fading
just numbed perhaps for a little while
when the dreamer’s lost her courage
her heart broken one too many times
and the beast of sanity felt nourished
by faking hunger for a normal life

Un/easy

Why is it that I cannot let you go? That no matter how often I tell my heart I must, it starts beating wild, tearing at my strength? Why do you haunt me in my dreams although I’ve worked so hard to trick my mind into believing I am fine – my love for you unrequited, unknown to you to some degree, at least in quality. Why does my soul have to remind me how deep my desire runs for you, not for your flesh but for your mind? That it is my wish to make you smile and be your rock in dire times. Why does it hurt so bad that your shields are up with me but lowered for the world it often seems? That you look happier these days without me by your side although I still see that spark of sadness in your eyes.Why do I forgive you every scar you keep inflicting on my heart? Every word you fail to say? Every gesture of sincerity you do not see. Why can I admit that your ignoring me is forcing me onto my knees and yet I cannot free myself from you? I could get up and stare your rejection right in the face but not just walk away. Why is that? Why is loving you so easy and yet so full of strain?

Hurt

No one saddens me as much as you
by ignorance, indifference or spreading love on fools
why you are doing this, I do not know
is your self-esteem these days so low
do you need false love to build you up
or is your kindness lost on me, my jealous heart
my scars too deep to understand your pain
to see your nods the beast keep tame

Mis(s)/match/ed

I am indifferent towards you now
or so I tell myself, to soothe my heart and let it heal
so much emptiness instead
no tears, no pain, no feelings left
another lie
my mind preoccupied with you as soon as you are back
remember who I am or who you were
what difference does it make
both lonely now, our souls detached
too independent maybe, stubborn, scarred
longing for another chance
a fresh new start
with someone who might understand
our eagerness to be just who we are and nothing else
not someone’s object, fantasy or dream
just ourselves
complex, elusive, enjoying company

Lit

I’ve always been the intellectual type
with a slight touch of squee
but all I see these days are swaying hips
and my heart skips a beat
not for some strange allure or sass
but for the memory of you
and the future that I longed to have
when my mind met yours
and with one look you lit my soul

Bourbon Blues

I won’t crouch down now craving your scent
It won’t make me miss you without my consent
I won’t crave your smile, curves, kiss nor your skin
I won’t let my mind drift off into sin
I’ve been on my knees indulging before
Lay weeping over you on the cold floor
But this time I’m stronger than gold in a glass
My heartaches is over, I give it a pass

Un/loved

I’ve reached that point of not grasping your do, all I see is friction between me and you. Our differences an ocean setting us apart, your smiles a lie, your decisions rash to me, unsmart. And yet I love you, against my will, close my eyes, long to kiss you and nuzzle your hills – want to drown in your laugh, calm my anger, your fears, dream of hearing my name whispered quietly fierce.