I hear a seagull laughing in the sky as it passes by my window and instinctively I turn around to share my amazement with you, but you’re not there of course. I often feel your presence like this, see things I’d love to show you, details I know you would appreciate. But then I remember, you are not part of my life the way I wish you were and yet you’re always there. It’s that kind of madness that drives me out of my mind, an ambiguity laced with longing, palsy and desire. I close my eyes just for a moment, my heart taking me back to us first sharing an honest smile, a joke, a laugh. It sent a jolt through my body then, made me quake. I was so unprepared for how you made me feel, so at ease and yet so tense, reminding me of everything I wanted and everything I missed. It was then that I realized what an emotional wreck I had been and without knowing it, you told me why and showed me a way to be true to myself again.


There they are again, my tears
not flowing freely but still there
they don’t engulf me anymore
but leave me saddened, deeply so
another opportunity unanswered
another blow
and all I want is smile at you in silence
feel your arms embracing me
our bitterness unspoken
we both know it all too well
the hope and setbacks and frustration
the inability to just let go
of dreams so deeply nestled in our fabric
the main ingredient of our souls

Morning Dance

I feel your warmth and smell your scent before I’m even sure that I’m awake. My arm is loosely tucked around your waist, our legs entangled. You are so beautiful in your sleep, your face relaxed. It is a rare sight these days. Your features softened, I detect no hint of pain, nor sorrow, only laugh lines adorning your eyes and lips. It is my favorite start into the morning, drinking your essence in like this with the first rays of sunshine, my hand fondling your skin as I’m still not sure if perhaps you’re just a dream, if I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone once again, leaving me panting in my sheets. But you are here, I am certain now as my fingers explore every curve on your back, your rear and finally your neck, until they come to rest in your hair to pull you closer for a first sweet kiss as you smile at me. But before my mouth finds yours, I am awake, truly now and your presence, as always, is nothing but a trick my heart’s been playing on me, craving your embrace, my skin still feeling yours against mine, a phantom pain created by my lovetorn mind.


Happy thoughts, I need them now but you are sadly not around. And although I know I should not rely on you to uplift my soul and kill that scream muffled in my throat, I cannot help it. Nothing makes me laugh anymore. Just a glimpse of your face or a piece of your art revealing your soul. Only you know how to make me smile like that. Your perception, your longing, your depth. How that happened, I still don’t know but I’m done questioning my feelings for you. I love you and that is that. And I love you enough to let you be and do not crave a hug from you to wash away my misery, nor do I wish to vent or cry. It seems so idle, such a waste of precious energy and time. So I’m embracing the gift of loving you instead. It’s a choice I had to make to get through my days without you distracting me with every breath. But once at home all I want is sit in silence by your side, our fingers entangled, awaiting the moonlight. And while the sun sets and colours the sky, your head rests on my shoulder and there it is, in my dreams at least, my happy sigh.


And then it hits me again
out of the blue
goosebumps all over
why: no clue
emotions unleashed
I dream your face
my own sans smile
my strength deceased
no solace in wine
trust me, I’ve tried
no Bourbon, no food
I’m just not fine
and although I sense
we’ll never be
the hope’s still there
that you will see
how deep my feelings
run for you
and that you’ll call
to say hello


There you are again
haunting me in my dreams
we laugh, are holding hands
and I am stirring in my sleep
my arms wrapped around a pillow
not around your luscious waist
it makes me restless
coz no matter how hard I try
my longing for you leaves me out of breath
lonely even, for the first time in my life
incomplete somehow with just myself
yet full of joy when in my dream at least
we share a kiss

In Your Absence

And then last night
they all crushed down on me
my feelings
forced me on my knees
shook me deep
and left me curled up like a ball
lying weeping on the floor
my heart ripped out
my gut wide open
gaping like a wound
still bleeding
Your pull so strong
my love so raw
How was I supposed to know
that you could reach me
oh so deep
uplift and hurt me
kill me sweet
your voice a dagger in my heart
a rose with thorns
my chocolate salted in a cup
A rainbow on my cloudy days
a smile from you
and through my tears
I do feel blessed
and love you more
although my eyes are red and sore
from wanting you so much
to be
my number one priority


Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts
not in your heart but in your bones
rips you apart but lifts you up?

Have you ever shaken physically
at the sound of a voice reaching so deep
it leaves you weakened, unable to sleep?

Have you ever put someone above yourself to give them space
while all you need is them here in your arms
their absence killing you with every breath?

Have you ever had their picture captivate you
like a haunting dream
bringing you to your knees?

Have you ever felt you couldn’t breathe
’cause tears are overwhelming you
for the love you feel just runs so deep?


Today is not an easy day
It will get better, she always said
Then cheered me up with just a smile
And her cooking, fragrant for miles
But though I miss her every day
Her heartfelt hugs and warming tales
I’ve rarely missed her more than now
My soul a heaven full of clouds
Because I’ve fallen for you hard
Your absence breaking me apart


and just when my heart beat at a normal rate again
there it was, your picture
smiling at me, making my heartbeat race in my throat
making me dizzy, weakening my knees
reviving my sadness
the pain of not having you here now in my life
the sorrow that I will never see you again, nor hold you in my arms
while the memory of you is all-consuming, controlling my life
in ways both beautiful and crippling