Emotional Delay

My emotions are in limbo as of late. So many things to do and yet I cannot find the strength to tackle the decisions I so desperately need to make. I am not stuck, nor lost in that sense most people would expect. My heart’s just frozen, my mind too numb to get out of bed. Though physically I do, but mentally I lack the vim I always used to have. It disappeared last year somehow, evaporated nearly towards the end. It will be back, of that I’m sure but until then I’m struggling with the remnants of my hope. It is still there, deeply nestled in my soul, interwoven though with doubts and fears. One no too many, fake smiles and loss – 2017 has left me scarred, mistrusting now, my courage tossed. It’s changed me for the better and the worse. The time is overripe to call that chapter closed.

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2017

You are so fresh
so new, unused
and yet you crippled me
when you made your entrance, were introduced

An unwritten story
you are supposed to be
more like a chapter or a song
not yet composed by you or me

I broke free from chains of self last year
new ones already lurking, always there
reminding me of who I do not want to be
a girl, a misfit or a fantasy

Freedom is what I need most
company, good wine and food
and your innocence to last
until my lessons learned have reached my heart

I am ready now to seek the road
the path I’ve always longed to walk
a route so dark sometimes and lonely
filled with doubt, uncertainty and phonies

I am prepared now for the fear, the grief
and yet I know I’ll never be
I’ll always struggle with myself
my independence and mental wealth

Ghosts of 16 I bid you farewell
asking my muse to finally stay
I need the love her anger stirs
the confidence her words provoke

I need your goodness, too, your light
a sign of hope in unsettled times