At the Risk of Being Me

On my lowest of days when darkness surrounds my heart and fills it with rage I wonder what I ever saw in you. When my anger results in tears, my frustration born out of arrogance and pride, I also realize how much I owe you though – a new beginning, a lesson, a spark coz for the first time in my life I truly fell in love. And that’s the gift I’ll always remember you for, although I really need to let you go and outgrow those feelings that once made me whole. You don’t want them, that is more than clear, so I have to be strong and let go of my fear of being unlovable, prickly or wrong. Bottom line: I need to move on.

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Missing Pieces

And just as I understood that I have never known who you really are
that loving you has made no sense
that I fell for an image of who I wanted you to be
an idea rather than a person
a simple sentence made me crumble
reminding me that my heart has had its say in this and not my mind
and that it misses you

Monday

Missing you has lifted my spirits in a strange way today. I don’t know how, nor why but feeling my gut knotting up over longing for your voice, the sight of you, your touch, has helped me breathe through turmoil and frustration. My aching heart too preoccupied to care about things that do not matter, about developments that normally would blow my mind. But you keep me calm, my love, in the eye of any storm. Not having you a whirlwind of emotions that outdoes any other I have faced before. No pain left, just sweetened sorrow and the gratitude for knowing love, not just desire. Love, not plain but simple. Each thought of you a happy one, putting the puzzle of my self together, improving me. No fear left, no doubts there, none.

Night Fall

I have weird dreams these days
dark sometimes, unsettling
but you are always there to soothe
not that I’d often see your face
it is your presence that I sense
until I put you in my sheets
my mind done playing tricks
telling me exactly what I crave
your skin on mine, your mouth
then your embrace
lips spoiling you
your neck, your curves
my favorite treat
no payback needed
desired, yes
your bliss priority, however
your smile, a kiss
so deep it tingles in my gut
and leaves me panting
from wanting you so much

Un/easy

Why is it that I cannot let you go? That no matter how often I tell my heart I must, it starts beating wild, tearing at my strength? Why do you haunt me in my dreams although I’ve worked so hard to trick my mind into believing I am fine – my love for you unrequited, unknown to you to some degree, at least in quality. Why does my soul have to remind me how deep my desire runs for you, not for your flesh but for your mind? That it is my wish to make you smile and be your rock in dire times. Why does it hurt so bad that your shields are up with me but lowered for the world it often seems? That you look happier these days without me by your side although I still see that spark of sadness in your eyes.Why do I forgive you every scar you keep inflicting on my heart? Every word you fail to say? Every gesture of sincerity you do not see. Why can I admit that your ignoring me is forcing me onto my knees and yet I cannot free myself from you? I could get up and stare your rejection right in the face but not just walk away. Why is that? Why is loving you so easy and yet so full of strain?

Hurt

No one saddens me as much as you
by ignorance, indifference or spreading love on fools
why you are doing this, I do not know
is your self-esteem these days so low
do you need false love to build you up
or is your kindness lost on me, my jealous heart
my scars too deep to understand your pain
to see your nods the beast keep tame

Mis(s)/match/ed

I am indifferent towards you now
or so I tell myself, to soothe my heart and let it heal
so much emptiness instead
no tears, no pain, no feelings left
another lie
my mind preoccupied with you as soon as you are back
remember who I am or who you were
what difference does it make
both lonely now, our souls detached
too independent maybe, stubborn, scarred
longing for another chance
a fresh new start
with someone who might understand
our eagerness to be just who we are and nothing else
not someone’s object, fantasy or dream
just ourselves
complex, elusive, enjoying company