It might sound strange but I long to hate you in a way
coz disliking you would make things easier for me
easier to let go of all those memories that pull me down
easier to accept the times you inspired me are over, gone
but love has never been easy for me
though loving you filled me with glee
now all I see are tears and scars
what once my heart let grow you tore apart
by choosing who you are, a myth
a broken dream, bad luck not bliss
absorbed by fakery and glory
a wandering soul, uncertain still – what is your story?
I still don’t know but time will tell
why you so proudly chose this hell
of blocking those who care for you
who do not play you for a fool
whose demons match your own, your fears
who craved to hold you till your sky had cleared
of darkness, clouds and raging storms
unscared to fight with you that swarm
of indecisiveness, rejection, gloom
your happiness my weakness then, my doom
My emotions are in limbo as of late. So many things to do and yet I cannot find the strength to tackle the decisions I so desperately need to make. I am not stuck, nor lost in that sense most people would expect. My heart’s just frozen, my mind too numb to get out of bed. Though physically I do, but mentally I lack the vim I always used to have. It disappeared last year somehow, evaporated nearly towards the end. It will be back, of that I’m sure but until then I’m struggling with the remnants of my hope. It is still there, deeply nestled in my soul, interwoven though with doubts and fears. One no too many, fake smiles and loss – 2017 has left me scarred, mistrusting now, my courage tossed. It’s changed me for the better and the worse. The time is overripe to call that chapter closed.
I long to feel your breath brushing against my neck as I hold you in your sleep. Your scent tickling my soul to stay awake, my heart long lost to you, your rhythm, your beat. Unable to breathe I lie here in the dark, my eyes closed to the soft touch of your breasts pressed against my own, my chest heavy because I know you are not really here. You never were. And yet, your smile’s imprinted on my mind like an old photograph preserving your beauty in black and white. Your voice follows me like a long lost tune reviving memories of a life that wasn’t meant to be. The loss of it killing me bit by bit because I’m unable to let go. You, the reminder of the life I once envisioned as a dream, a reminder of everything that once let me breathe.
I miss my inner light today but it is okay.
I am embracing my darkness just the same.
It is a part of me as well
and I have learned that without the bleak,
my heart has trouble finding the brightness that I seek.
Snow on Sunday night, mud on Monday morning
Long lines everywhere, people are growling
No trains in sight, everything delayed
Two flakes of snow and my city’s half-crazed
Central Station’s busy, I order a Chai
The guy at the counter unfriendly, I sigh
My Evil Queen outfit the smoke screen I need
Paired with her posture, I feel more upbeat
Until on the boardwalk I see a dead mouse
Its corpse fully smashed, in slush fully dowsed
The sight of it breaks me, my eyes water fast
My issues on hold now, this image will last
You made me happy for a while although you were never really mine
but the dream of us kept me alive in a phase of turmoil and transition
and now my memory of you’s not tainted anymore
my heart a little stronger because I fell for you and so much more
that spark once felt my life has changed in so many unexpected ways
and I am grateful for that gift of knowing what it means to fully wish
to love and feel it run so deep it swept me truly off my feet
and catapulted me onto ass until I learned to walk again with newfound sass
willing to embrace my life and take a chance to love myself now for a change
On my lowest of days when darkness surrounds my heart and fills it with rage I wonder what I ever saw in you. When my anger results in tears, my frustration born out of arrogance and pride, I also realize how much I owe you though – a new beginning, a lesson, a spark coz for the first time in my life I truly fell in love. And that’s the gift I’ll always remember you for, although I really need to let you go and outgrow those feelings that once made me whole. You don’t want them, that is more than clear, so I have to be strong and let go of my fear of being unlovable, prickly or wrong. Bottom line: I need to move on.
A titmouse came knocking on my window today
and the first thought I had was you appreciating its beauty
so I tried to take a picture for you to see
but as I got my camera ready it flew away
the bird like you now just a distant memory